Tuesday, June 4, 2013


dear hutton,
 you are about three months away from the age lainey was when i got pregnant with you...and oddly enough...you have started asking me constantly to have another baby. it's funny the questions you come up with...some that probably shouldn't be answered just yet. but...you have made me start thinking about WHY we haven't had another baby. and i have pretty much decided that the answer is...FEAR. you see...for the first two years of your life and the entire time i was pregnant, i worried about you so much that it paralyzed me. and here is why....

 fertile genes run rampant on both sides of our family, so before i even had time to blink, i was pregnant. and from that point on, i started worrying.... i knew all along you were a boy. i never even thought about pink or lace or dresses...just ball caps and sports. 

the dr. appointments were fine...until they weren't. damn you triple screen test. nothing can prepare you for the phone call from an insensitive nurse who proceeds to say three things...
1. your numbers for spina bifida are extremely high
2. does spina bifida run in  your family (what???)
3. i already made you an appointment with a fetal specialist at 2:00 tomorrow. see you then.

i remember hanging up the phone in slow motion..hardly able to comprehend what just happened. i called daddy who was already on his way home...and then i called grandaddy...and sobbed like a baby. the next few hours were a blur of tears and prayers and phone calls and google(which i do NOT recommend). i silently remodeled our house in my head...moving your room to the bonus room so your wheelchair would be able to fit. i had been through hard times before...at least this time we had daddy...so i knew we could do it again.

 to say that the next day was the longest of my life, would be an understatement. when we walked into the dr. office, i felt like i couldn't breathe...like a 300 lb weight was on my chest. and i wanted to scream at the nurses who smiled at me and asked how i was doing. HOW AM I DOING? i am on the verge of hearing terrible news about my unborn child...I'M FANTASTIC. 

 they led us into the dark room, squirted gel on my belly, and turned on the ultrasound machine. about 10 min. in, the tech asked us if we wanted to know if you were a boy or a girl? poor daddy was so scared, he didn't even answer...so i quietly said yes....but to be quite honest, at that point it didn't even matter...we were way more concerned about your health. and what should have been an exciting day...we were having a BOY...was consumed with worry and fear. after 45 min of scanning and clicking and scanning and clicking...the tech left the room...without saying a word. 

 finally the dr. came in and told us that as of right now, we don't see anything...but we can't tell you 100% that there isn't something wrong. you will need to come back for ultrasounds every 3-4 weeks. then they sent us to a genetic counselor...who proceeded to tell us that if we were going to "do anything" about the baby, we need to do it now. after we calmly explained to her that abortion was NOT an option and that we love you...no matter what...i asked her one last question. have  you ever seen numbers this high where there wasn't something wrong? after her polite "no"...we turned and walked out. and at that moment, i loved you even more.

 we continued many ultrasounds through out the pregnancy, which all ended the same way. we don't see anything, but can't tell you 100% until he is born.

 on your birthday, we had a team of people there in the room...waiting for you...in case there was a complication. and when your 8lb 10oz self was born, the dr. flipped you over, ran her hands along your spine, and declared you totally healthy. and only then...as i watched that team of nurses trickle slowly out of the room, did your daddy and i finally start to breathe again. until two months later...and the scariest day of my life....

(part 2 tomorrow)


  1. Such a sweet story and now I am eager to hear the rest.

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